by Katiah Llerena, PhD
Deciding whether or not to have children is one of life’s most significant choices. It’s a decision that will change the course of your life, regardless of what you decide. As a clinical psychologist, I often encounter individuals and couples grappling with this complex issue. In this post, I, with the help of client insights, aim to provide you with some practical advice to guide your decision-making process, outlining factors you should consider before taking this major life step.
Understand Your Intentions
Before you consider the logistical aspects of having children, it’s crucial to delve into your motives. Ask yourself why you want kids in the first place. Are you looking for a sense of purpose? Do you want to continue family traditions? Or maybe you see it as the next logical step in your life?
Whatever your reasons, it’s important to recognize that having children should fundamentally be a selfless act. You are bringing another human being into the world, with their own needs, desires, and life to live. The decision should not be purely about fulfilling your own dreams or filling a void in your life.
As Rita, one of my client’s put it, “I used to think that having a child would complete my life puzzle, filling in the missing pieces. Through our sessions, I realized that bringing a child into the world is not about me or filling any void I feel; it’s about creating a life that I am fully committed to nurturing and guiding. I do the giving. It was a wake-up call that changed my perspective on what it truly means to be a parent.”
Consider Your Emotional Readiness
Are you emotionally prepared for the ups and downs of parenthood? Children require a considerable emotional investment. You need to be ready and able to provide constant support, unconditional love, and be a stable figure in their lives. Kids are NOT meant to regulate YOUR feelings. I can’t tell you how many of my clients face challenges in adulthood because their parents weren’t emotionally mature enough to manage either their own feelings or those of their children.
To assess your emotional readiness for parenthood, consider asking yourself the following questions:
- Am I able to manage my own emotions effectively? Do I let anger or anxiety overtake me often?
- Can I provide emotional support to another individual on a consistent basis? How do I emotionally support myself?
- Do I have realistic expectations about the emotional challenges of parenting?
- Can I cope with high-stress situations without letting my emotions get the better of me?
- Do I have a support system to lean on when I’m emotionally overwhelmed?
- Am I looking to have a child for emotional fulfillment or to meet my own emotional needs?
- Am I willing and able to put my child’s emotional needs ahead of my own?
- Do I possess the emotional intelligence to help a child navigate their own feelings?
- Am I prepared for the emotional ups and downs that come with children, such as tantrums, defiance, and the emotional stages they will go through as they grow?
- Have I resolved my own emotional issues or traumas that could interfere with my ability to be an emotionally supportive parent?
- Can I maintain a stable emotional environment even if the rest of my life is stressful or chaotic?
I could write a whole other blog post, even a book, on the profound and long-lasting impact of childhood adverse events (ACEs) on an individual’s emotional, physical, and psychological well-being. These events include emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, neglect, household dysfunction, and other traumatic experiences that occur before the age of 18.
ACEs have far-reaching impacts that can manifest in emotional, cognitive, physical, and social challenges. These include emotional regulation difficulties, mental health disorders like depression and anxiety, cognitive and academic setbacks, increased risk of chronic health conditions, and engagement in risky behaviors. Furthermore, the repercussions of ACEs can be intergenerational, as parents who’ve faced such experiences are more likely to create environments where their children encounter similar traumas.
Therefore, emotional readiness is crucial for prospective parents to foster a stable and nurturing home that mitigates the risk of ACEs for their children. Can you ensure that you can prevent ACEs for your child?
Assess Your Financial Stability
Financial stability is another crucial aspect. Children are expensive, and you need to be prepared for the added expenses that come with a new family member. From healthcare to education, the costs can add up quickly.
Lena emphasizes the significance of financial readiness; “Initially, my husband and I always talked about having a big family. After our first child, we were so in love with being parents that we immediately started thinking about a second one. But when we sat down to look at our finances, reality struck hard. Even with both of us working, we were just making ends meet. Our desire for another child, while emotionally compelling, wasn’t financially feasible. We realized that bringing another life into our family under these conditions would be unfair to everyone, especially the child. So, we made the difficult but responsible decision to not have another child, at least for now.”
Evaluate Your Relationship
If you are in a relationship, consider its stability and health. Parenthood can bring couples closer, but it can also put strain on a relationship. Open communication with your partner about your aspirations and fears is key.
Relationship stress and conflict can have a detrimental impact on a child’s emotional well-being and overall development. Children are highly perceptive and can sense tension between their parents, even if it’s not overtly displayed. This can create an environment of instability and insecurity, potentially leading to emotional and behavioral issues. In some cases, the stress may even manifest in the child through symptoms of anxiety, depression, or academic difficulties.
A strained marital relationship not only distracts parents from being fully present for their children but also models unhealthy interpersonal dynamics that the child might carry into their own future relationships.
Factor in Time Commitment
Children require an enormous amount of time, especially in their formative years. Consider your current commitments and whether you can make enough time to be an involved parent.
Rita’s experience after having her daughter underscores this. “After my daughter was born, I was overwhelmed with love but also completely swamped. I thought I could juggle my job, my social commitments, and parenting, but the reality hit hard. My child needed so much of my time, especially as a toddler, that I found myself pulling away from other responsibilities and friendships I had once cherished. While I don’t regret becoming a mom, I wish I had been more aware of the sheer amount of time and energy it takes to be an involved parent. I wish I knew how tired I would be. My advice to anyone considering having kids is to really think about your current commitments and lifestyle and whether you can dedicate the time your child will undoubtedly need.”
Consult with Trusted Advisors
Speak to supportive friends or family who are parents and get their perspective. Even consider professional guidance, such as speaking to a psychotherapist, to help you work through any uncertainties or fears you may have.
Consider Long-Term Impact
Think about your life in the long run. How do you see children fitting into your life goals and plans? While some aspects are unpredictable, having a long-term vision can provide valuable insights into whether you’re ready to be a parent or not.
Another client of mine, John, reflected on the emotional and practical complexities of parenthood, including the sacrifices that often come with putting a child’s needs first. “I used to be a nomad, always on the move. I loved the idea of living in different places, experiencing different cultures, and not being tied down to one place. But as my son got a little older and started school, I realized the constant moving was taking a toll on him. Conversations with his teachers and my wife, and therapy, helped me understand that moving around a lot can be traumatic for kids. That was a sobering moment for me. I decided to put down roots so he could have a stable school environment and build lasting friendships. It was a tough transition, giving up the lifestyle I loved, but as a parent, my son’s stability is the priority.”
Deciding whether to have kids is a multi-faceted issue that requires deep self-reflection, ample discussion, and practical planning. By taking the time to understand your intentions and evaluate your readiness across different aspects of your life, you’re already taking a significant step towards making the most informed decision possible.
For a list of recommended books on this topic, click here or share your suggestions in the comments below. If you found this post helpful and need further guidance, don’t hesitate to seek professional advice tailored to your specific situation.
Note: To maintain confidentiality and protect privacy, all patient names and identifying details have been changed.
Disclaimer: This blog post is intended for informational and educational purposes only and does not replace individualized advice or therapy from a qualified mental health provider. If you’re facing a medical or psychological issue, consult with a qualified healthcare professional for diagnosis and treatment tailored to your specific needs.
Dr. Katiah Llerena, PhD 